Queer Musing
by TasukiNoBaka
Summary: YAOI-The soft creak of the door alerted me I clutched my gun and pointed it directly at the door as quick as I could. Just a reaction being a pilot now I suppose. Blinking as Trowa stood in the door, looking amused. He leaned heavily against the frame, ma


Title: Queer Musing

Author: TasukiNoBaka

Archive: yes please! At mine here:

http://www.geocities.com/tasuki_no_baka/TasukiNoBaka.html

Pairing: TrowaxQuatre wow my first!

Warnings: lot of angst musings from quatre's pov, stream of consciousness writing!….oh and in AC 195 after the war, but before EW

Disclaimer: …wouldn't it be odd if they really were mine? 

Additional info: **means flashback** btw sorry for the title in advance ^^

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I laid in bed, curled against Trowa's lean form in his arms as he held me tight, my cheek pressed against his chest. Listening to the pound of his heart. I did not stir, he needed his rest after all. We had made love earlier, and after he kept kissing me gently, embracing me deeply in the bed as if it was the last time we would be able to have sex. Then again it might be. We expected to die any day. But I had him back with me now, after I nearly killed him. 

My brow furrowed and I did my best not to whimper as tears came to my eyes. Instead I pressed my legs deeply into the sheets to distract me. I nearly killed him. I nearly killed my lover. It sounds like some idiotic romance novel but…it was true. I saw that suit blow up with him inside, I had snapped back to life but it was too late. I thought…Trowa has left me. And it is my fault. Maybe its lucky that Heero was there to smack sense into me afterwards. After I saw that suit blow up: well, had it been just me in outer space then I would have self detonated in Wing. 

I almost fight the urge to snort but fear of waking Trowa. I could have and would have self detonated in Wing. Hell, its not Duo's Deathscythe, I knew Wing would blow up. Duo. I then smile gently. My first real friend besides Trowa. He hugged me so tightly when I saw him. When he told me Trowa was alive, after I'd seen him and he didn't even remember me…I broke down in ragged sobs in his arms as he stroked my hair softly and murmured in my right ear. 

I admired Duo so much. I have never seen him cry or break down…I suppose he carries or at least tries to, carry the group's burdens with laughs and sarcasm. Although I can see his eyes are shattered. Scarred so deeply that it amazes me he hasn't gone insane. I smile and tuck my head under Trowa's chin as he rubs his back gently in his sleep. I forgot, Duo was already insane. 

When Trowa and I were back together on that ship, both finally sane, it was awkward. I stood in our room, peering down at the floor. Whenever I tried to speak, my throat felt like a sandstorm, pebbles and itching golden dust clinging to my throat. I think I tried to stammer out an apology before my knees collapsed out under me and I broke down. I never cried in front of Heero. I think it might have frightened him. 

Trowa swept into the room and got down on his knees right beside me and scooped me into his lap and said it was 'alright' as he kissed my temple so delicately. I gave a strangled laugh as tears streamed down burning cheeks, it was so far from alright….

I blink in the darkness and crane my neck to look up at him. Trowa looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. At least now. Previously lovemaking he was so tense and worried that he used to clutch me in his sleep and cling to me until morning came through the window. I knew he was afraid I would leave him before, but now I never have any intention of ever doing that. Not after he came back to me after all the pain I caused. I needed Trowa as much as he needed me. 

I think I fell in love with him the first time I saw him. I smirk softly, or at least I fell into lust. He was the most perfect man I had ever seen and his eyes…there was another world in those eyes. I tried to even flirt with him when he was stayed with me, although I did so horribly. Apparently he didn't appreciate small caresses, tiny smiles, and downcast eyes. I sighed heavily and actually gave up chasing him. I believed he had to be straight, or at least thought I was incredibly stupid. But that night….

**I clung to my soft bed, my head buried into the pillow as I struggled for some surrender to sleep. The soft creak of the door alerted me I clutched my gun and pointed it directly at the door as quick as I could. Just a reaction being a pilot now I suppose. Blinking as Trowa stood in the door, looking amused. He leaned heavily against the frame, maybe wondering if I _was_ going to shoot him. 

I sighed and gave him a wry smile for coming into my room so late; settling my gun down on the nightstand, motioning with my other free hand to come further in. He padded gracefully to my bed without making a sound as he sat down. 

"What brings you up at this hour Trowa? Its," I squinted my eyes in the darkness towards a small clock, "its 2 in the morning, you should be getting sleep. We need to repair our Gundams tomorrow and the Maguanacs would like to have a nice dinner and then we should see if there are other pilots that we can--" He silenced me quickly by pressing a single digit to my lips as my eyes widened. He spoke softly for the first time since he entered my room.

"What were you doing earlier today?" He voice unwavering as he gazed down deeply at me and suddenly I felt incredibly embarrassed. What if he was straight? Would he hate me for hitting on him? Never want to speak to him? The thought resonated painfully in my heart. 

"I…I…."

"I know you were flirting with me, I'm asking why."

I gasped and looked up into his eyes in pure shock, god he did hate me. He would leave tomorrow and glare in my direction if our paths crossed again. 

For a second I thought he was amused as he leaned down and put a gentle calloused hand on my cheek, his thumb stroking softly under my eye. 

"Are you really that shy Quatre? That you need to act like an idiot to get my attention? You have it now Quatre, say whatever you want."

Looking into those emerald eyes I spoke the honest truth, my hands tearing roughly at my sheets in my lap as he held my face. "I…I think I'm in love with you…."

His own eyes widened, my shoulders tensed as I knew I scared him horribly with that simple declaration. He looked down at his own lap and pondered for a moment before he gazed back into my own glittering eyes in the darkness.

"I have had sex but never made love before Quatre…I will try with you." 

Then he kissed me. I couldn't think, or breathe, or move. I forgot I was a living human being and reveled in the simple touch of our lips. It was the most wonderful and beautiful experience of my life. I had been blessed, was the only thing that came to mind. He wrapped his strong and slender limbs around me and lowered me gently on the bed. He kissed me for hours as we made love for the first time.**

I pressed my smaller body against his as he murmured my name in his slumber. He had known I was a virgin and was so gentle and loving with me. In the morning as he got dressed, I had thought he regretted it and was near tears. Until he told me his name, Trowa Barton. I grinned and repeated it to myself several times. I knew that day we would meet again for it was destiny. After that night I became a hopeless sap for him. I would have done anything he asked, and I did. 

My father. I lower my head to Trowa's breast as I recall the explosions on L4. He always

despised his only homosexual son. It was the ultimate insult to him. I was his Achilles' heel. The wrong turn in his beautiful empire. When I visited I remember I told him that I had fallen in love with a man. He had known I was gay but nearly forbid me from seeing any boys my age. He had stood and turned his back on me as he was silent and then asked me to leave. To rest. At the time I thought he was insulting me, hoping that I would change my mind about Trowa back home on L4. I had stormed up to my room and didn't speak to him again until the day he died. Iria had whispered as she lay dying in my arms that father loved me. I forgave him a long time ago for feeling pity on his disgraceful son. I still love him. I visited his grave recently and Trowa stood beside him, his hand on my shoulder as I murmured to my father in Arabic. He was a great man and just wanted me to be happy. 

"Why are you still up…?" Trowa peered down at me cautiously as he caught tears in my eyes. "What's wrong?" He almost sat up before I pressed a hand onto his shoulder keeping him down. 

"I love you." I then kissed him delicately after my statement. He was shocked but then returned my kiss with deepening fervor. He smiled gently and kissed my forehead before instructing me firmly to go to sleep. I laughed and snuggled against him. 

'Thank you Father, Iria, Duo, Rashid. Thank you Trowa. I am happy.'

Owari


End file.
